i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
