This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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