I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
