I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
