is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
