who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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