I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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