i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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