I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
