It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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