ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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