I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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