he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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