two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
