I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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