saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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