oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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