so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
