Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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