I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My vagina just recognized that song.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
