I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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