I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
