I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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