I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
