look no pants
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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