20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
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The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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