WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
