you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
