1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
