I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
