Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
