guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
