So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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