if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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