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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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