i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
