definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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