I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
