did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
