i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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