I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
