your thong is hanging out like whoa
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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