so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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