Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
