I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
