Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
