Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
