WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
