don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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