if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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