I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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