we have pet lesbian snakes
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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