I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
