mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize