Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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