I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
