it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
